"My first five years at SNL, I couldn’t quite figure out how to do the job — I always felt like I was going to get fired, and I realized how much I had to accomplish to be terrible at that level. That’s the way I feel about sports now — the 25th pick on the roster, that relief pitcher who can’t get anyone out, his whole life he has worked so hard to be terrible at this level."

—  Seth Meyers | Esquire, interviewed by Scott Raab

"When she released those puppies they were full-grown dogs."